Writing has always been a passion of mine since I was in middle school when I discovered fanfiction. I've never not known writing, and lately I've found myself floundering and thinking about the what ifs. It hasn't been easy in the slightest. Especially since March 2020.
Late last summer, I was given a diagnosis of anxiety and depression. To be even clearer (and according to my last appointment), I'm right down the middle with both based on their tests. My anxiety seems to be suppressed (which was my biggest factor for a while), but now my depression seems to be this roaring beast in my ears. When I get home after a day of work, I just don't have the energy or the want to do much of anything. Yet on the weekends, the only things I have energy for are playing the Sims, cooking, and baking.
Cooking and baking has brought me the greatest joy as of late. Since 2020 with the severe food shortages, I've begun learning about how to preserve food and do more bulk shopping. I've even begun canning. I plan on going into this into more detail later on, but long story short, I fell in love with it. It brings me great joy to walk to my basement and see the lines of cans of food I made myself. But sometimes, I do look at it and think "wow, all those hours of research and preserving that, and you could have been writing."
Thing is, all I want to do is write. In fact, I'm always thinking about my book. I'm constantly thinking about things to change in my current draft of Serpenvie. I constantly carry my laptop and the spiral bound manuscript with me in my work bag. I love doing those things, and yet I find that I'm unable to do them most days. I just don't have the energy.
Most days, I sit at my desk, pull up that document filled with ideas that I've jotted down on the page, and I just sit there. Staring. That blinking cursor seems to be a curse staring at me and taunting me as I wish for the words to come. Lately, I've had to all but force myself to write by convincing myself to earn my mindless Pinterest scrolling. 15 minutes of work, 5 minutes of recipe research. 30 minutes of work, 10 minutes of recipe research. It feels like a constant cycle.
I'm hopeful that with this new month, and summer finally on the horizon, I'm able to begin finally writing regularly again. I've been wanting to write so badly. I even made myself some motivating spreadsheets to fool myself into writing. While pretty, I'm not sure it worked! But as of writing this, I'm starting to develop a writing routine. Blog in the mornings, and pick at my book stuff at night. It's only the beginning, but I'm loving it so far.
I know mental health is going to be a constant uphill and downhill battle, but I really want to power through it. I want to be able to learn how to work through it. It's been a really weird journey for me, but it's one that I'm hoping to power through regardless of how I'm feeling.
Until next time,
Amanda xx